"Girls Against Girls": A Book Review

"Girls Against Girls.  Why We Are Mean To Eachother And How We Can Change."
A book by Bonnie Burton.

On a hot July morning, we hopped in the Ford Focus, windows down, and left our Boston apartment for a much needed vacation.  We were driving to Asheville, NC.  No small car ride and I was highly invested in getting over what I believed to be a recurrent case of psychological carsickness.  I knew I would be in the car for at least 16 hours and really wanted to dig into the stack of library books I had brought along.  I hadn't read in the car for years but today was the day to breathe deep and move beyond my queesy stomach. 

Earlier that week at the library, I scanned through book spines, looking for interesting titles or authors that I had come to love.  My nine-year old daughter in tow, we checked out the Young Adult section for some volumes to keep her busy now that Harry Potter had been read to excess.  "Girls Against Girls", by Bonnie Burton, caught my eye as my heart sunk in recognition of the sometimes prevalent girl-tude that breaks hearts and keeps us all down.

"Girls Against Girls" was the first book I picked up in the car.  I wanted something to pull my attention quickly and distract me from any possible thoughts of nausea. With my own memories of youthful meanness, and the knowledge of experiences and people that helped me navigate beyond the shallow shores of belittlement, I wanted to hear what Bonnie Burton had to share. 

The book starts with why and how we are mean, illuminating the competitive environment, cultural conditioning and plain old disruptive hormones as pieces of the "why" puzzle.  The "how" gets messier, as we can all relate to methods:  the silent treatment, gossiping, bullying and being cut off. To keep us reminded of all the beautiful, loving, encouraging girls and women we know out there, the book is peppered with awesome quotes by inspiring women:

We live in a culture right now that pits girls against each other.  We are brought up socially to be in competition with each other - who has the best body, more boyfriends, better clothes.  And this kind of competition can be devastating on female friendships because it emphasizes a mentality that there isn't enough to go around.  Enough love.  Enough attention. Enough success. But there is. There is enough to share with your girlfriends ~ Jessica Weiner, author

What a totally helpful quote.

We then move on to what to do when you are on the receiving of end what seems like the cruelest attacks ever.  Not only does Burton speak of personal, independent choices, she also encourages "calling in reinforcements".  If there is anything I have learned in my last 35 years on earth, it is that having a team makes everything easier.  You have more heads and hearts looking for solutions and offering up expertise.  Maybe one friend is a great listener, while another can help you approach a school counselor.

In most cases, we have been on both sides of the meanness drama. The book leaves us with ways to not only stop the cycle, but also on how to build or expand a culture of girls helping girls.  Start a girl band.  Create a girl club at your school.  Get inspired by learning about awesome women that have lead the way before you.

Girls are part of this big human species,  meaning we all have our strengths and our challenges.  Being able to recognize both allows us to better understand ourselves and others.  With this understanding, girls and women have the opportunity to make choices of unity and sisterhood.  When we all stand tall and proud, we can support each other up to greater heights. 

Needless to say, my car sickness was cured by some deep breaths and a great book that took me out of my own head and into a bigger picture of compassion and unity.  A parting quote for our journey into solidarity and self-love:

Recognizing the good in yourself when you're a young woman can be very difficult, especially when everything around you tells you that you're not good enough.  I wish that I had been self-possessed enough to know that the girls who were mean and exclusive were often making up for their own feelings of insecurity.  I wish I could have known that I rock, because knowing that about yourself allows you to help other girls and women fell like the rock.  And that's a great feeling. ~ Emily Moeller

Some resources for girl empowerment:

GirlsRockCamp
Girls for A Change
CompassionistaGIRL
About-Face